In the complicated world of modern dating, we may believe we are making rational choices about potential partners, when what we decide is often heavily influenced by our own biases. Bias can lead to decisions being taken that can easily lead us astray in our quest to find love. Understanding these biases, and how professional matchmaking can help overcome them, could be key to your success in finding a more meaningful and lasting relationship.
Those Invisible Forces Shaping Your Dating Decisions
The Availability Bias: Dating Within Your Bubble
One of the most powerful cognitive biases affecting our dating lives is the availability bias which is a tendency to search within the limited pool of those who are already known to us or who we may encounter through our work, hobbies or daily routines.
For instance, if you work in technology, you might find yourself primarily dating other tech professionals simply because they are the people you encounter most often, this is not uncommon with teachers or medical professionals too. While there's nothing inherently wrong with dating within your own circle, this bias might cause you to overlook compatible partners from different professional backgrounds who could bring fresh perspectives and experiences to your life.
The Confirmation Bias: Seeing What You Want to See
We all enter the dating scene with preconceived notions about what makes a good partner. Confirmation bias leads us to focus on information that confirms these existing beliefs and to tend to dismiss evidence that contradicts them. This can manifest in both positive and negative ways:
On the negative side, if you've had bad experiences with partners from a particular background, you might automatically look for red flags in anyone that sounds similar to that person in any way, potentially missing some very positive qualities that a new person could bring to a relationship. Conversely, you might overlook genuine warning signs in someone who fits what you have decided is your ideal "type" on paper, focusing only on their positive attributes whilst blocking out any concerning behaviours or incompatibilities.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy: Staying in the Wrong Relationship
Perhaps one of the most damaging biases in dating is staying with someone when there is no real hope of the relationship working, simply because we have already invested so much time and emotion. This bias often leads people to remain in unfulfilling relationships far longer than they should, thinking, "We've been together for all these years, I can't just throw that away."
This bias can be particularly insidious because it masquerades as commitment and perseverance, qualities society considers to be virtuous in relationships. Over the years, how often have we seen the applause for the duped politician’s spouse, standing by their partner with a determined smile for the cameras. However, there's a crucial difference between working through relationship challenges and staying in a fundamentally mismatched partnership, out of fear of "wasting" that time already invested.
The Halo Effect: A Downside of Love at First Sight
The halo effect occurs when we allow one positive attribute to influence our overall evaluation of a person. In dating, this often manifests as being overly influenced by the initial physical attraction or surface-level charm we may find when first meeting someone. You might assume this person is kind, intelligent, and trustworthy simply because we find them to be extremely attractive on first encounter, or because they share one passion that we hold dear.
The Halo effect can lead us into rushing the relationship without properly considering compatibility in crucial areas such as values, life goals and emotional intelligence. The initial chemistry might be strong, but if so, this can have the potential to blind us to any red flags or fundamental incompatibilities, when such incompatibilities are highly likely to cause the relationship to fail.
It's worthwhile to keep in mind a dating "cooling off" period whenever meeting some as a potential partner. Neither to let yourself rush in, nor to dismiss out of hand, someone who could be your future partner. This more considered approach helps to counter the influence of our biases by allowing time for a more rational evaluation of compatibility, or to see whether physical attraction builds over time as we get to know someone better and see more of the real person as they become more comfortable in our company.
Why Do We Have Cognitive Biases in Dating?
From an anthropological perspective, human bias stems from our evolutionary past, when our brains developed shortcuts for decision making, to very rapidly process information and make decisions in instances when speed was crucial for our survival. These cognitive processes, while being essential in our ancestral environment, now play out as systematic biases which don’t always lead to our making the best choices.
Understanding the evolutionary roots of bias doesn't justify biases, but it helps explain their persistence and their prevalence in all of us. Our modern world requires different, possibly far more nuanced cognitive tools than were needed in our ancestral environment, yet we operate with largely the same neural pathways and processes that shaped us as human beings over millions of years of evolution.
How Professional Matchmaking Helps Overcome Biases
Professional matchmakers, such as those at The County Register, serve as objective third parties who are not influenced by our own personal biases or emotional attachments.
A Matchmaker’s Objective Perspective
They can see potential matches more clearly and evaluate compatibility based on substantive factors that are often more important to achieving a happy and lasting relationship, rather than focusing only on surface-level attraction or initial chemistry.
A good matchmaker may seek to gently challenge our preconceptions about what we are looking for in a partner. They might encourage you to consider people outside your usual "type" or help you to recognize patterns in your dating history that haven't served you well.
Expanding Your Dating Pool Beyond Your Biases
Unlike the chaotic world of dating apps and chance encounters, matchmakers employ a more considered selection process on our behalf and bring a level of understanding that involves what both parties in a match may be looking for in a partner.
They understand that finding a wonderful partner is not about meeting a long checklist of attributes, it’s about finding chemistry with compatibility. Their approach helps counteract the tendency to make snap judgments based on superficial factors or initial emotional impulses, which can so readily be driven by our inherent biases.
Finding Chemistry with Compatibility
At the County Register, we conduct in-depth interviews with all new members. Whilst chemistry cannot always be predicted, as what drives chemistry is very multifaceted, we can focus on various aspects that are important for compatibility, such as core values, life goals and aspirations, communication styles and personality, lifestyle preferences and family dynamics.
This sort of comprehensive evaluation by the matchmaker as a professional third party, helps to ensure that the matches they propose for you are based more on compatibility factors rather than simply surface-level attraction, chance or availability.
Professional matchmakers may pair you with compatible individuals you would never encounter in your daily life, helping overcome the availability bias. The matchmakers at The County Register have access to an extensive database of interviewed and genuine unattached individuals also seeking a partner, and they can also call on their headhunting facility, which provides access to eligible individuals beyond the client base, but who could be your ideal match.
This increases your chances of meeting someone who complements your life in many and sometimes unexpected ways. This expanded dating pool is particularly valuable for busy professionals who might otherwise limit themselves to their immediate social circle.
Matchmakers at The County Register can connect you with verified, quality matches who have been pre-screened for aspects of compatibility as well as background checked, confirming such things as identity and residency status.
Feedback and Coaching to Improve Dating Decisions
One of the most valuable aspects of working with an expert matchmaker is the feedback loop that they can provide. A good matchmaker will look to help you recognise patterns in your dating behaviour, they can point out when you might be falling into familiar biases, and will provide objective insights, drawing on their own perspective formed through years of experience of working within the dating industry as a personal matchmaker, and seeing many clients successfully go on to meet their new partner.
Making use of the matchmakers’ dating expertise can help you develop more self-awareness and help to make more conscious and level choices in your dating life, rather than repeatedly falling into the same patterns that are driven by bias.
Whether meeting prospective partners through a professional matchmaker or trusted friends, it can really pay to actively seek outside perspectives on your dating choices as others might see patterns or potential issues that you're just too close to see. Though also bear in mind that any biases in those you trust might also be brought to the table!
It also pays to go on dates with people who do not fit your usual "type” or preconceived idea of your perfect partner. This doesn't mean compromising on core values, but rather opening yourself to different personalities, backgrounds, and lifestyles. Don’t restrict your options to only going with what you know, as this seriously reduces the options and you really could miss out on finding love, by being too fixed in your mindsight, perhaps due to inherent or unconscious biases.
Conclusion: Creating a More Conscious Approach to Dating
As we become more aware of how cognitive biases influence our dating decisions, the role of a professional matchmaker becomes more clearly valuable. While dating apps and online platforms have made meeting potential partners easier than ever, they haven't made us any better at choosing compatible partners or building lasting relationships. Indeed, if anything, through over availability of profiles with online dating, the reverse could be true.
The key to success in modern dating probably lies in finding the right balance between trusting our instincts and acknowledging our biases. Using professional matchmaking provides a more structured approach to achieving this balance, combining the science of compatibility with the art of finding human connection.
By understanding and actively working to counteract the influence of our cognitive biases and in making use of the expertise of a professional matchmaker, we can make more consciously informed choices in our dating lives. This awareness doesn't take the romance out of dating, it creates a stronger foundation for us, upon which authentic connections may more easily flourish.
Whether you choose to work with a professional matchmaker or not, understanding these cognitive biases that all of us have within us, is an important step toward making better dating decisions and to ultimately finding a loving and fulfilling relationship.
If you’d like to learn more about how personal matchmaking can work for you, then our dating experts at The County Register are here to help. Our friendly membership advisers are always available to answer any questions you may have about our dating service, and to help you to understand which matchmaking membership option might be right for you.
So, why not take that next step to find your perfect partner today? Simply call us on 0800 644 4110, or fill out our easy contact form, and a member of our dating team will be in touch as soon as possible. We look forward to hearing from you!
