The Science of Love and Attraction
You may wonder what makes two people fall in love. The topic of what love is and how it can be sustained has captivated the thoughts and musings of humans for centuries, with poets and philosophers attempting to capture the true essence of romantic attraction and lasting love. In more recent times, we have started to uncover the science behind lasting love through studies of the biological, psychological, and social factors that influence how we choose our partners and how we can successfully maintain long-term relationships.
From the heady rush of the neurochemicals involved in early attraction, to the complex interplay of personality traits in lasting partnerships, the science behind love offers us fascinating insights into one of humanity's most fundamental experiences.
The Science of Romantic Attraction
When we experience initial sexual attraction, our bodies undergo a complex cascade of hormonal and neurochemical changes. That initial spark triggers the release of norepinephrine, a chemical that acts as both a hormone and neurotransmitter, causing those physical symptoms of a racing heart and sweaty palms. Dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure, also creates feelings of elation and can promote within us an intense focus on the object of our attraction.
The Role of Neurochemicals in Love
This cocktail of chemicals explains why early attraction can be all-consuming. Studies using MRI scans show that when people view photos of their new romantic partners, regions of the brain associated with reward and motivation will come alight. These are the same areas that are activated by taking cocaine or winning money. It’s a powerful neurological response and may be why being in love can feel all-consuming.
However, the chemistry of initial attraction eventually gives way to different neurochemical processes. As the relationships progress, oxytocin and vasopressin, often referred to as the "bonding hormones" tend to become more prominent. These chemicals promote feelings within us of attachment, trust, and comfort. The transition from passionate love to companionate love appears to be a natural evolution in human pair bonding that is pivotal to our relationships lasting beyond those first early months.
The Role of Evolutionary Psychology
Our attractions and mate preferences did not develop in a vacuum, they were shaped by millions of years of human evolution. Evolutionary psychologists and anthropologists suggest that many of our partner choices stem from ancestral adaptation mechanisms which gave us the best opportunities for successful reproduction and the survival of our children.
How Evolution Shapes Attraction
This may explain why studies have consistently shown that women may tend to prefer partners who display signs of resources and investment potential, while men will more often prioritise visual cues that are associated with fertility and health, such as youth and beauty. These preferences make evolutionary sense, as historically, women face greater risks and investment in reproduction, making the security of resources crucial whilst carrying babies and raising children, while men's reproductive success depended more on finding fertile partners.
However, it is important to note that these are general tendencies rather than rigid rules and humans today living in the Western world, have complex mate selection criteria that go far beyond basic evolutionary drives. Additionally, the changing social conditions over more recent decades along with changing gender roles may have led to some diminishing of these typical partner preferences in men and women.
Personality Compatibility and Long-Term Relationships
While physical attraction can often initiate relationships, personality compatibility plays a crucial role in their longevity and research into personality psychology has identified several factors that contribute to whether a relationship will succeed or fail over time.
The Big Five Personality Traits
Studies examining the "Big Five" personality traits of openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism have found interesting patterns in successful relationships. Partners tend to be more satisfied when they match well on conscientiousness levels, sharing similar attitudes toward organisation, taking responsibility and planning. Conversely, differences in extraversion levels can often be successful and complementary, with a more outgoing partner balancing well with someone who is naturally more reserved.
Attachment Styles and Relationship Stability
Our early relationships with our caregivers create attachment patterns that can strongly influence our adult romantic relationships. A secure attachment style, characterised by being comfortable with intimacy, open communication and maintaining a healthy independence, generally predicts having more stable and satisfying relationships.
However, people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles can work on developing more secure attachment style patterns and will often benefit from a relationship with someone with a more secure attachment style, where there is an awareness of this difference and both parties have the willingness to work together in supporting and growing the relationship.
Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
Partners with higher emotional intelligence have a greater ability to recognise, understand, and manage their emotions and understand the emotions of others, so will tend to have more successful relationships as this skill set helps in navigating conflicts, showing empathy, and maintaining emotional intimacy. However, importantly, emotional intelligence can be developed and improved over time.
Communication and Conflict Resolution
The way in which couples communicate, especially during disagreements, can strongly predict the longevity of the relationship.
The Science of Successful Communication
The American researcher Dr. John Gottman studied couples to see if there were distinct patterns of behaviour that could discriminate between happy from unhappy couples and whether it was possible to predict whether a relationship would last. He famously identified four communication patterns that can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
He famously termed these the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships. With his colleague Leverson, Gottman also found that many relationship problems never get resolved, but become perpetual problems that can be attributed to personality incompatibilities.
Successful couples in relationships that last, tend to express appreciation and maintain a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of at least 5:1. They practice active listening and validation of their partner's feelings and use "I" statements rather than “you” accusations during conflicts. They are able to take responsibility for their role in problems and look to maintain a sense of humour and playfulness, even during disagreements.
The Impact of Shared Values and Life Goals
While chemistry and personality compatibility are important, shared values and life goals can also prove crucial for long-term relationship success. Research shows that couples who share core values regarding religion, politics, family, and lifestyle tend to have more stable and harmonious relationships. This doesn't mean partners need to agree on everything, but having alignment on fundamental beliefs and priorities helps prevent chronic conflict.
The Role of Timing and Life Circumstances
Sometimes, good compatibility isn't just about the two individuals involved, it is also about timing and life circumstances. Relationships that might have worked at one life stage might struggle at another. Factors like career demands, family obligations, and personal growth can all impact on relationship success. It is then, not just about finding the ‘right match’, it’s about the right match coming along at the right time.
Research suggests that relationships are more likely to succeed when both partners are genuinely emotionally available and ready for commitment, at similar life stages or able to bridge differences in life stage effectively, and able to integrate their relationship with the other demands in their lives. There also needs to be a real willingness to grow and adapt together.
The Influence of Modern Dating and Technology
The rise of dating apps and online matching has added new dimensions to how we might find our new partner. While technology has expanded our dating pools, it has also created significant new challenges in establishing genuine connections.
Research into online dating shows mixed results with some studies suggesting that the apparent abundance of choices can lead to decreased commitment and "choice overload." People can easily become addicted to swiping quickly left or right, making choices in split seconds based on a glance at a photograph rather than any in depth consideration, and thereby potentially missing out on someone wonderful whilst selecting profiles which not only might many others also be selecting, but who may well not be at all compatible.
The development of online dating has probably distorted our understanding about who could be out there for us and has promoted a checklist mentality to dating which does not tend to work. Examples of this would be dismissing someone if they are an inch shorter than our ideal match or located beyond a short distance, as dating apps can falsely suggest to us that there are so many who might suit us perfectly located on our very doorstep.
The reality is that many online may not really be unattached and available, or at all as described, with exaggerating height, taking 5-10 years or even more off their true age or using very out of date photos being all too common – that Ford Cortina in the photo background says it all!
The Myth of the Perfect Match
Despite scientific advances in our understanding of compatibility, it's important we recognize that there is no such thing as a "perfect match." All successful relationships require ongoing effort, adaptation, and growth from both partners to flourish. Research shows that couples who maintain a growth mindset about their relationship, believing that challenges can be overcome through effort and good communication, will tend to have far more satisfying and longer-lasting partnerships.
It’s not possible through any means, to simply order up your perfect partner, then sit back and relax and it will happen for you. Even through the work of a very good matchmaker, and The County Register is rightly proud of the true quality and professionalism of the matchmakers that work here, those who are well matched together still need to prioritise and invest time and effort in a new relationship for a strong match to grow into the loving and enduring relationship that was hoped for.
Final Thoughts: How Professional Matchmaking Can Help
Understanding the science of love and compatibility can help us to:
- Make more informed choices in partner selection
- Develop realistic expectations about relationships
- Identify areas for personal growth and improvement
- Recognise patterns that may be helping or holding us back in our relationships
- Build skills that contribute to relationship success
The science of love and compatibility reveals that successful relationships are built on a complex foundation of biological attraction, personality compatibility, shared values, and ongoing, effective and mostly positive communication with our partner. While we cannot perfectly predict which relationships will succeed, understanding these factors will help us make better choices when searching for the one we will love and who will love us in return.
Rather than searching for that mythical perfect match, scientific research suggests that focusing on finding a partner with whom we share core values, can communicate effectively with, and where both are willing to grow together and can adjust to meet each other’s needs, puts us in the best place for finding lasting and fulfilling love.
If you are unattached and would like to know how working with an experienced and professional matchmaker might be able to support your search for a new partner, then speak to us at no obligation. The County Register has been in the business of helping to create happy couples for many years and we go from strength to strength through the exemplary work of our professional and dedicated matchmaking team.
It’s simple to make that first step, simply call us on 0800 644 4110, or fill out our easy contact form today. We look forward to speaking to you soon.
