Trust and honesty can be considered as being fundamental to any healthy and successful relationship, particularly when the relationship is a very personal one that exists between a loving couple.
The values of truth and honesty create for us a safe space in which the connection between us and our partner can deepen and grow over time. Trust serves to nurture the connection we have with another person and to sustain the relationship with them, also giving the relationship true resilience to weather the ups and downs that life can bring.
When there is trust in place, it brings a deep sense of security and comfort. We no longer feel the need to be guarded and no longer feel that we need to protect ourselves. Trust creates the right environment for greater openness and for any vulnerabilities to be expressed, when knowing we will not be judged or abandoned. Expressing such vulnerabilities allows us to have a deeper emotional intimacy with our partner, thereby strengthening the bond that holds us together as a couple.
Trust plays a major role in maintaining open and healthy channels of communication. We are more likely to feel able to express how we truly feel when there is trust, without fear of how this could be received. This means there is a far better likelihood of being able to express our needs and also of hearing the needs of our partner, which in turn, reduces the risk of misunderstandings and false assumptions that can be harmful to a relationship.
How Does Trust Develop Within a Relationship?
As any relationship progresses, we will tend to test the relationship to determine whether the trust we are starting to feel is genuine, to establish whether we can truly trust this person we are developing feelings for. We may start to reveal more about ourselves to see if these revelations are accepted and valued, and to discover whether this openness and honesty is reciprocated by our new partner. These can be tentative steps that we take, especially as we move on through life and will often carry with us some of the hurt from where previous relationships had broken down, which may have failed due to a breach of trust.
Trust then, is a very precious commodity and not to be given lightly. There is a degree of bravery that is needed for us to trust someone, but unless we allow those feelings of trust to develop, we cannot really become emotionally close to someone. Our guard must drop to allow those feelings of love to grow.
Trust is inextricably linked to developing a deeper level of commitment within a relationship. With trust, we come to believe that our partner will have our best interests and the health of our relationship at heart. So conversely, if trust is broken, the relationship can be badly damaged, and it can be very difficult to rebuild the trust that was once there.
Should trust be breached, then the ground beneath us is no longer solid and we can come to doubt everything and anything. By recognising how undermining a lack of trust can be, we can better appreciate just how vital trust is in any healthy relationship.
Are White Lies Ever Acceptable During a Relationship?
It can be argued that trust can only truly come about when there is also complete honesty, but is this so, when there can be the temptation for that ‘little white lie’ to sometimes oil the wheels?
Many people find they come to rely on using little white lies for entirely honest and decent motives, such as wanting to protect others from hurt and to protect the emotional wellbeing of someone they care about. We might also be wanting to avoid conflict, so find it easier to say something we think the other person will want to hear or omit telling our partner something we fear would only upset them. We may ask ourselves why should we tell them about something that has already been resolved, when wouldn’t telling them simply be hurting them unnecessarily?
Maybe, there is a genuine moral dilemma here – might we be telling someone something mainly to clear our own conscience, to share something primarily to appease our guilt, or should we be always striving for complete honesty in a relationship, wanting to share everything whether good and bad, because we believe that our partner has the right to know?
If we pause to reflect, then it is doubtful whether any of us are entirely 100% honest with our loved ones and may genuinely be balancing kindness with brutal honesty on some occasions.
Possibly, those of us that are more empathetic have a greater difficulty in being entirely honest. A white lie, if told with only the intention of being kind, may demonstrate compassion. Sometimes our partner is seeking reassurance from us and even if it requires bending the truth just a little, that reassurance could best serve the situation and their level of confidence at the time.
Can White Lies Become a Problem: Where Do You Draw the Line?
While a single white lie might be considered a relatively trivial matter, it can, when it becomes a habit, turn into a troubling pattern of dishonesty. Lies can pile up, making the relationship feel less authentic, with both partners trying to determine where the truth really lies. Instead of simple and open communication, we could be second guessing what is going on, leading to suspicion and uncertainty, the opposite of trust and security that as humans, we want to experience in our emotionally intimate relationships.
My dear old mum had a tendency to want to protect others from any hurt and therefore, used a little white lie from time to time, just to avoid any awkwardness or upset with her friends. However, she had a favourite line from Sir Walter Scott that she would invariably quote to me as she saw the muddle that her ‘little white lie’ had all too easily led on to - “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”. Despite those entangled webs she was responsible for, she never did quite break the habit of the little white lie! Luckily, as she was such an empathetic and lovable person and I don’t believe ever lied with a bad intention, she was easy to forgive!
This pattern of behaviour taught me though, that you use a little white lie at your peril, as they can so often backfire and cause potential harm and distrust, whereas honesty, if it can be gently phrased, might have navigated the situation far better in the long run. My mother was very fortunate in having a deeply loving and enduring relationship with my father and between them both, truth and honesty remained of fundamental importance. She could perhaps be at her most honest whilst still loving my father, just because of the strength of the trust that had developed between them over the years that they had been together.
White Lies vs. Intentional Lies: The Difference
Possibly, the key to deciding if using a white lie is ever acceptable is to take very careful consideration of the context in which it might be an option. When used thoughtfully and only sparingly, a little white lie can play a role in protecting a loved one, but they should not become the norm and can never be a sound substitute for a good level of honest and open communication to best help any relationship thrive.
It’s very important to be aware that not all lies are little white ones. Sometimes lies are told in relationships to misdirect or manipulate the other person. An example might be what is seen all too commonly within the world of online dating, where lies can often be used on such things as height, age, level of qualifications or whether someone is truly unattached or still in a relationship with someone else, to lure someone in under false pretences, and when such lies eventually come to light, they can leave a bad taste. It isn’t attractive to have been lied to and it only shows that the person concerned did not have the intention of being open and honest about themselves or their situation from the outset.
Personal Matchmaking: Ensuring Trust and Integrity
At The County Register, we require all members to be straightforward and honest about themselves in the information they give for their profile. We believe this is the best way on which to begin a relationship with someone, and feel this demonstrates courtesy and consideration in dating; values that we hold dear. Additionally, we verify all members’ ID and run checks on residency with additional background searches made for records of financial crime and any solvency issues.
If you’ve tried online dating and found that honesty has not always been in evidence from other users and might prefer to try a traditional and personal matchmaking service where the values of trust and honesty can still be expected, then you may like to speak with us at The County Register. We would be delighted to discuss with you how our professional and highly experienced matchmakers will work in recommending other members to you who we have first ID verified and interviewed, and then run you through the tailored matchmaking memberships that we offer. We would also be delighted to share with you how we have been so successful in helping to create many happy couples over the years. It’s easy to get in touch—simply call us today on 0800 644 4110, or fill out our easy contact form. We look forward to hearing from you.
